ok so it is like 1 in the morning here and I am yes.. on xanga and am about to type my heart away.. I have to be up in like a few hours for work and then straight to class non stop and then a test that I have YET to study for AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ok so I don't even freaking know where to begin.. today alfredo came over.. yeah... alfredo.. after he decides to be a jerk about the whole us going on 2 dates thing.. and guess what he wants me to write him while hes on his mission.. yeah thats great I will write him letters but he wants me to WRITE HIM write him... for you LDS people out there you know what I mean.. waiting 2 years for him to get back and then most likely getting so serious I marry him... and all I have to say is PSHHH what are you thinking?!?!/ Heck no! but I can't say that.. and THENNNNNNNNNNNN David (with an accent haha) decides hes going to message me tonight and tell me that he still has feelings for me and he has been praying about things and feels that we should start dating once more.. and again I want to say PSHHHHHHHHHH what are you thinking!??!?! Heck no! but I can't say that!!! I don't have ANY clue what is going on right now in my life.. classes such because they are so hard and homework is soooooooo much and now this crap with the boys... the thing that is starting to freak me out is if you go and look throughout this xanga.. right before I get into a serious relationship.. all my exs start talking to me again and wanting to get into the way of things that are about to happen... I was trying to tell this to my roommate right after alfredo left I was talking to david and dave online and I was telling her the only one I haven't heard from that i dated forever is Dustin from WL and guess freaking what.. the words dont' even get out of my mouth and I get a notice from yahoo saying I recieved a message from myspace because dustin sent me a message.... WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!?!??!? If alfredo knew I was talking to david and vise versa... the "crap" would hit the fan.. because they are not fond of what the other did to me.. even though it was pratically the same thing.. funny huh.. anyway.. I just needed to vent a little and get this all off my chest before I explode!!!

~Brittni Marie~

gahhh I hate my internet!!! I just had this entire thing typed out and boom it disappears!!! I'm actually kinda glad that happened... I have a much better way of stating what I would like to say... So today has been an interesting day... my life is slowly becoming more interesting... So Jared... amazing guy... HOT.. I mean one of the hottest guys around.. hes LDS.. hes smart... just everything.. but something just wasn't right... I didn't feel "good enough" for him... I constantly felt pressure to be your typical Utah LDS BYU girl.. and thats NOT me... If I was fake around him things were amazing.. but that can only last for so long.. You know.. some of you know reading this.. and some of you don't.. but like.. of course there are parts of your Patr. Blessing that are private and aren't to be shared.. but a part that I'm willing to share right now is How Heavenly Father does not want me to feel like I'm not as popular, or pretty, or attractive as other girls around me.. and for those of you that know Brenda, one of my best friends, this has been a constant struggle. Its hard to be equal or better than she is... I am constantly feeling I'm not as important or good as she is... Every guy would chose her over me anyday. EVERY guy reading this that knows Brenda and/or Christina has like them... I only know ONE guy that I can honestly believe doesn't like them.. and that isnt in a mean way of course.. but that will come into play later on. And with Jared I constantly felt like I had to be a "Brenda" in order to please him. Thats not been a good feeling.. its been stressful... do I have enough make up on.. am I losing enough weight.. is my hair just right.. and I DON'T want that in a boyfriend.. I don't want that pressure... so as most of you know Landon came home from his mission today and I have been waiting for this day for a year.. but yet also dreading it... I loved Elder Clay and Elder Childs.. but Daniel , Devin, and I have our differences... I don't want it to be the same with Landon... I have talked to all my best friends today about him coming home... because of course they know its a huge deal in my life.. and as I was talking to Brenda.. of course all people... she asked me the question.. so Jared or Landon... and at first I thought.. oh gosh such a hard question... and as I have been thinking... EASY! Landon. Landon has def been in my life through some of the worst and BEST times ever... He has seen me at my worst and best.. He has seen my many tears.. good and bad... and you know... I had just always assumed it has been like a forced "love" ... like hes forced to like me because hes a missionary and was just joining the church... I guess I can spill the beans now that he can't get in trouble right?!? We had several conversations with myself and him and another missionary that probably were not the most "mission approved" but I remember them VERY clearly... Some how Brenda got brought up and the one missionary made the comment on how he understands why all the guys in the ward like her... and then Landon said he didn't.. and I was FLOORED! I was thinking... are you kidding me!??!? a guy that doesn't like the neuenswander girls WHAT?!?!? and then I thought... oh.. hes a missionary of course hes gonna be the good guy and be like.. I don't see why.. we shouldn't be talking about this.. so then I kinda just blew it off... and then today... THEN today... Brenda also asked me the question.. Did you feel anything when you saw Landon? and I thought that was the stupidest question ever!! Of course I did!!!! I walked into that chapel and saw him and he has this look on his face and the BIGGEST smile ever... and as I was sitting there waiting for him to give his talk I was just thinking of everything that made me think of him... walking down into the waters of baptism and him reaching out to take my hand... it was the most incredible thing and that image will NEVER EVER EVER leave my mind... and he started talking about me in his talk and started crying.. and was saying how when he saw me crying out of joy after my baptism that that was one of the most spiritual experiences of his life... and I started thinking the same thing.. and I then started to think... is the reason I have a "crush" on him because I was so close to heaven and he was there.. literally part of it.. standing by my side... or is it because hes been there to give advice through the hardest time in my life so far... or is it that he "liked" me on his mission for me and never wanted me to be like brenda... or is it all of the things combined ... so anyway back to today.. his sister and I were talking.. and she brought up liking missionaires and then guessed that I liked landon and she got all excited... and I'm like don't get too excited.. he only views me as like a sister.. and shes like .. I really don't think so! and at first I was like.. shes just saying that because shes my new friend and doesn't want ot hurt me but then she seemed really sincere about it... and then I kinda got my hopes up... like what if he doesn't view me as his sister and him telling everyone about this "amazing girl brittni" didn't just mean my trek through the church... and then Landon walks in the room.. and the convo was over.. and we were looking through his mission pictures and I was like Oh Jenny thats Brenda the girl I was talking about.. and Landon rolls his eyes and was like.. YOu know I would NEVER date a girl like Brenda or christina.. and I flashed back to the time he said that on his mission and was thinking.. he was being serious!... that made me feel soooo good.. not because hes saying he would never want to date one of my best friends.. but that he didnt like that type of girl.. and that always makes me feel soooo much better about myself... I don't know what to do... I don't want to admit I like him because I'm afraid of getting completely shut down..

AHHHHHHH